If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
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him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
What my back needs
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.