I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
You Might Also Like
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
That’s not how days work.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.