The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
nyc:
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*