“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You Might Also Like
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
How to draw a duck
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.