Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Skills
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
The funk soul brother
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.