“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.