dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Breaking news:
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats