*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.