Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.