It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.