Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day