My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Y’all know who you are.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.