Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud