*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call