“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.