Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.