[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus