Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
It was worth a shot 😂
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal