I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You Might Also Like
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
definitely did not do anything wrong
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on