*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.