Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
plant them where lol
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Never be a pizza!
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon