My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.