Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?