Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Still a very good boi….
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
This is me 🤣🤣
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.