Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.