can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live