I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”