On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Brilliant!
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night