My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Miscakes
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance