me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.