I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
You Might Also Like
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Need this in my life lol
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*