I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
scared to check what name she chose