A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
liiiiiiiiike
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”