My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
They must have gotten it to go.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito