Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Why are bridges so flammable.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house