*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
thank god the sign was there
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.