“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
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Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat