i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
it is time once again
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.