The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.