Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
You sure about that?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.