LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.