If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The asteroid..
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!