Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
i baked you a cake
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.