SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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i can’t wait that long
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet