“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi