olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Reporter: *ports again*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight