Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Meat Cute
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.