Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
concern
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”