My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
New comic up. “Ransom”