I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭